Flinging Poo at Monk-e-mail

Greetings Hoopy Froods --

Recently my "Missing Link" Uncle sent me a delightful animated email to cheer me up, and I found it rather droll and worth playing a few times and even repricating and sending a monk-e-mail back to him.

Now the monk-e-mail was designed for some bizarre outfit or reason by a place called Career Builder, at:

http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/


It is really one of those funny things that seems funny two or three times and then loses interest. Much like the B-Sharps or those cheezy electronic keyboards where you can play 60 "sounds" and 20 or so "rythms" on a dimuniative 40 plastic keys.

The program is essentially a voice synthesizer that allows you to type or record a message in your own voice, and then a realistic chimpanzee will "speak" your email to whomever you have sent it. So you can get some pretty funny things. It took me about an hour and a half, but I was finally able to get a monkey to sing the refrain from the "Witch Doctor Song." Next step is the "Last Train To Clarksdale."

Monk-e-mail gives you a mere 3 monkeys to choose from: a young male chimpanzee, an older female chimp, and an old greybearded male chimp. So right away they are sexist. These guys need to build some better careers for various types of primates -- say 15, and then have at least a young female and male, as well as an older female and male representing each primate world citizen. Having baby primates would be especially well liked I suspect. I also want a lemur -- because a talking lemur would be too cool. Drivler filled me in on the last South Park, so apparently they could go so far as to have Oprah's vagina and anus speak as well. And if they can do that, it stands to reason they can animate G.W. Bush to speak whatever we want. The corporations have -- I want my turn.

These three primates can be decked out in various outfits, hats and glasses, objects they can hold, and backgrounds they stand in front of. And I will admit there are some excellent choices available for your edification and delight. They chose well. Again, variety is nice so I feel even more choices would be nice -- especially in what they hold. I want the ability to have my chimp holding spears, or a blunderbuss, or a lightsaber. Maybe something like a corndog or an arc welder. I know, I know. Can't please everyone; but with all the clipart out there they should be giving more choices.

But it is really in the sound department that monk-e-mail needs the most work. I have limited myself to only using the voice sythesizer and not a recording of my own making. Which means I've been limited to their 6 "Steven Hawking" impressions from which to pick. Three bad female and male voices is just not enough. They gotta get some better voices. A sultry seductive Marilyn Monroe voice is sadly lacking. The hard bitten Clint Eastwood voice is a must. I also want Christopher Walken, Sean Connery, Dave Chapelle, Little Richard, Shel Silverstein, Arethra Franklin, Lynn Benson, Nina Simone, Lauren Bacall, Annie Potts (whom I just looked up on imdb and found she was the voice of MTV's Daria), and the ever memorable Etta James.

Are Ve Havfink Fvun Yaht?

Fellow Travelers -

For the last week or so I had been keeping myself away from the general lack of intellectual sustenance that passes for television. I don’t mean just now, current day programming fare – television never really underwent that pimply hormonal teenage period which we all pray will eventually lead to some kind of wisdom and a new age of cultural revolution. We are all still hoping. I don’t have the delights of cable on which to feed, so it’s basic network stuff for me. PBS, or the pledge break station, doesn’t really come in on my T.V. so I am rather stuck. Hence I haven’t been missing much of all in the last week. However, once I did return, there was one glimmer of jaw-droppingly stupid flickers of media that I saw within the first five minutes to celebrate my return to viewership. Something so dim-witted it fairly screamed to become fodder of my blog.

The movie RV starring Robin Williams.

Now I have not seen this movie, nor shall I unless . . . well, I can’t think of an unless. But such an occasion better include some of the best prolonged, multiple, and black out completely from the sustained overload of my pleasure centers sex, as but the beginning of the rewards promised in order for me to watch it. Which means, I guess, that I would prostitute myself out to Paramount Pictures for the right price. In their case there would be a huge payoff and guaranteed $400,000 a year job as a writer. I would write a positive review of this movie, plus any further variations of this type of movie if Paramount or any other motion picture company would care to offer me the incentives listed above. Please contact me. I have a screenplay for “Beach Babe Binge” just waiting for an offer.

This is but one reason I am writing this blog. After all, this blog is not just for the unlimited amounts of sex and money it seems to bring me, but to show off my amazing powers of prediction, AND my additional skills as a creative force to make even this pile of cinematic crapola worth writing a blog about.

First, this idea is the most overused bit of overdone crap to be found in movies and T.V. You can probably name just about every show on television that had at least one episode where a bunch of characters were shoved into a trailer, RV, camper, motorhome, or the like. There are hundreds of movies with adventurous campers setting out in a wheeled box in close confines for hijinx or horror. And the same “shorts” or scenes happen in all of them.

So why must we see yet another one of these wastes of celluloid? I mean sure, we haven’t seen one with Mr. Williams, but come on! Will it in any way be different? Monstro once posed the question why should they make new porn when basically they’ve pretty much showed everything done or have done to them in every conceivable combination. I honestly can’t answer that question. I haven’t seen the Robin Williams and a female Yeti tape as yet. For me, there is always hope that a CREATIVE person can come up with something fresh. Otherwise why bother?

So I decided to turn my mind on RV I only saw one singular 15 second promo; which showed but a scattering of bits from the movie. Granted, I would actually have to watch the movie to see if there was something different or better from this promo – but that isn’t going to happen. Instead, I am going to spend some time listing scenes that I intelligently prognosticate will happen in the film. Then give a few possible what if’s on how to “fix” the movie. You are all welcome to actually watch the movie and blow holes in my amazing prognostications – or just respond favorably to what you feel would make it a movie you would actually want to watch.

1. From the promo I got a quick idea of the basic plot. The film stars Robin Williams as the father of a family of four because Paramount really really needed a name comedian. Apparently Chevy Chase passed. It is possible that they had other famous comedians do some cameos because comedians are a desperate race who will sell soul for a brief cameo in movies like Rat Race or Cannonball Run V. Regardless, the basic conflict driving the story is that William’s character is the only one who is excited about going on the trip; everyone else hates the idea. The whole family isn’t talking to each other normally. So Papa Williams vows the trip will make things all better – and traps, entices, or drags them all forcibly into participating. They could well have included a grandmother or grandfather that they all have to keep drugging so they won’t freak out. I suggest Mr. T as Uncle Barracas. Regardless of how they end up inside the RV, they will all want to do it again by the end of the movie.

2. The father is totally inept at just about everything. He’s foolishly optimistic and will basically be the brunt of every tired bit of physical comedy shtick the writers can cram in. He is, at best, a half dimensional character you don’t feel to bad about watching being thrown through trees and tossed off boulders after he finally lets go of the RV that drags him a mile or so.

3. The mom will be played by an actress who looks nothing like a mother, and is very hot. She will make snide comments about the father throughout the movie. During much of the movie she “fixes” the problems caused by her husband, but towards the end she has also messed up so badly that her husband must “rescue” her as well as the two children. She is fussy, work-driven, and anal. She hates everything about nature and anything that is not brand new. She will scream at least once at an animal – possibly Williams since he is so notoriously hairy.

Prognostication: The husband and his wife have not had much passion for each other in some time. The two of them will end up having sex in the RV, only to be interrupted half-way through by their two children or an animal.

4. The daughter will also be hot. Should there be any partial nudity it is she, and not the mother, who will be exposed. It is almost guaranteed that she will lose all or most of her clothes in either: a shower explosion within the RV, or in a torrential rainstorm. She is the typical teenage daughter who is sullen, sarcastic, and dismissive of the rest of her family.

5. The son is overweight and has little or no relationship with his father. He has short brown hair and wears shorts. He will pick up at least one dead animal with a stick or mop and display it to the others. He is essentially a nerd who doesn’t really fit in. He can’t play sports, or can but chokes when others are around. At the end of the movie he will show off some kind of athletic skill. At some time the son will attempt to fit in with other teens and the father will embarrass both himself and the son by doing a “White Guy Talking Ghetto Slang” routine and maybe even some bad Hip Hop or Rap impersonations. Father and son will eventually have some wonderful togetherness moment just before a passing eagle plucks out both the son’s eyes. At this point the story will devolve to the usual greek tragedy format and everyone will end up cursed, dead, or wandering alone in self-imposed exile and shame into the wilds.

6. The promo carefully makes sure everyone knows the RV is outrageously painted and ugly. My prognostication is that this RV suffers problems with all major components including; engine, brakes, plumbing, and electrical. The RV may well catch on fire at some point. I figure all power will be lost and the family will have to rough it outside with a campfire – where it will also begin to rain. The plumbing will naturally be a source of endless low-brow amusement. I foresee a possible shower explosion, incredibly cold water during someone’s shower, or someone falling through the floor. The toilet is guaranteed to be used in some gag about overflowing, or sewage being sprayed all over the father.

7. There will have to be at least one gag about cooking in the RV, most probably with the oven. This may provide an opportunity to go into a hilarious fishing scenario where they catch nothing, or end up eating fast food anyway. No matter what, there will be at least one in-movie promotion of a fast food restaurant.

8. There will be many instances of RV driving humor, including at least ten or so objects being hit or run over because the father cannot drive a Class B vehicle. There will not be a scene shown where he even attempts to go to the DMV for such a test. The usual “travel” joke about radio station reception and choices will be made as well.

9. From the preview it is obvious that at some time they will get lost off-road and end up doing the “teeter totter” effect on the point of some cliff with both the front and back wheels of the RV off the ground. Once they get the RV out of this spot they will at some point get locked out of the RV. All or some will wander away from the RV and get lost. Some will get in trouble – rest will rescue them, and they all drive off better and happier.

10. The nature they eventually find will not be friendly. The promo shows at least one moment when a pair of raccoons jump out and run amuck attacking the father. I predict a bear too. Maybe some fish footage if they go fishing.

11. My feeling is that they will run into a group of gun crazy hunters who attempt to shoot one or all of them – only to have one of them know the father.

or –

they will run into some backwards “mountain folk” who tie them up and kidnap them. But eventually the “good” hillbillies have a cute boyfriend or girlfriend for one or both of the kids who helps them escape. One hillbilly will end up being the local Cooter: an expert RV repair engineer and exceedingly friendly to everyone because he has intercourse with chickens.

__________________________________________________________


So, you ask;
whatever could you -- Avram, the Great Prognosticator,
do to actually FIX this lamentable movie?

A. Replace Robin Williams with George Carlin. Family of a single mother with two kids suddenly has the long-lost father show up with his creepy rusted-out RV. He entices them all to come with him on his ongoing wild search for the best biker-bar barbeque rib place in Maine. Carlin can do his present “Mad Dog,” pissed off at everyone, old man routine with all the cursing he wants.

B. Replace all characters with hot bikini wearing lovelies on a cross country trek. Keep Robin Williams locked inside one of the outside storage lockers (or the toilet) throughout movie so he forms more of the disembodied narratorial voice. His frequent interjections must be done faithfully to the EARLY cocain-tinged rantings of Robin William’s stand-up career.

C. Robin could continue to do some of his suspense/drama movie stuff. The movie starts out all jolly and happy and then at the first rest-stop he lets the kids go use the rest room. He pulls his wife to one side and whispers in her ear. She smiles and gives him “the look.” He pulls out a coil of rope and a roll of duct tape and proceeds to tie her up and tape her mouth shut. He then hides her up on the roof inside one of those ergonomic cargo carriers. The movie is then a wonderful family movie with Williams as the loving father with his two kids on the trip, with this creepy “Secretary” side during the scenes when he slips off to feed and care for his captive wife.

D. The RV could actually go somewhere interesting like a fully rendered Hell. One second they are driving down the road and Williams pulls this strange lever and they end up on a big red rocky highway with flames all around. Then they could begin their jaunt through the Cantos. They could hit Virgil hitchhiking on the road, so he’s all squashed up on the front windshield making cracks and guiding them through the various circles. They could lose control of the RV in the wood of suicides, take pictures of the Malabranche bobbing for souls, and end up with returning the RV to one of the nice writers standing around the parking lot of the Falsifiers of Words, or Liars circle. They take the elevator down, take a few pictures of the funny statue and go on home.

I actually read a book that played with this plot a few years ago. Not "The Divine Comedy" but some other contemporary fiction writer. The plot was that a family in an RV going to Las Vegas somehow transfers to “Hell,” or a different dimension like hell, somewhere in the desert between Needles and their destination. I forget the name of the book, so if anyone knows it, give me a holler.

E. The same with a re-do of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” where they drive the RV through various Disney and Pixar Animated movies. Wouldn’t you love to see an RV hit or run over some of those fish singing “Under the Sea?” How about pulling the RV up to the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party after Alice has left and the Doormouse has been stuffed in the teapot. And there has got to be some kind of stand-up comedy showdown between Robin Williams and The Genie from Aladdin.

Assembling Target's "Essential"
Mission Collection Furniture

Hey Chillunz!!

This week’s exciting review is of a “Mission Style” six drawer dresser and matching four-tier bookcase with a small drawer.

For quite some years now I have been looking to get a multiple drawer dresser for my bedroom. In Chico, my rather large closet in the bedroom was pretty sufficient to hold all my clothes, but a little hard to root through looking for that one clean t-shirt that I was always sure I had thrown in there the week before. But I made do. When I moved into my present un-commodius accommodations it became essential that I get a dresser to hold the overflow. For months now I have been storing many of my clothes in laundry baskets on the floor, or when I filled said laundry baskets, just in piles. This sucks at my stage of life. I have enough problems with the setbacks in my life without living like a teenager in some dorm. Dammit – I’m better than this and deserve a nice place to live.

So I had the following criteria in choosing a dresser:

1. It had to have multiple drawers and be pretty strong.
2. It had to be wood, and preferably a mission style that goes with my overall décor.
3. It had to not only look good to me, but somehow excite any foreseeable “hottie” who visits into succumbing to at least one night of passion.

I don’t think any of these criteria are too unreasonable. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m somewhat anal in what I want from design. Not anal any other way. It has to function in making my environs “neat,” as well as appeal to my aesthetics. Yes I had my teenage years when walking into my bedroom was risking stepping on something moving, crunchy, or soft and slightly tacky under the rather piquant toplayers of clothes, papers, books, and the unrecognizable. I didn’t care how it assaulted the various senses. But I learned. Plus I kept stepping on stuff I liked and breaking it. Then there was the year or so I lived in a series of roach infested apartments and vowed to never again know the daily horror of feeling the squelching crunchy pop of a cockroach twixt my toes. This has a way of making you appreciate cleanliness. So my current living space may be cluttered and overfilled with piles of books around the peripheries, but everything is in its place.

Unfortunately there is nowhere enough space for everything I have in da new casa. The living room is presentable, but the overflow is overwhelming the office, and in some ways the bedroom as well. The time has finally come to break down and fill my overfilled apartment with yet more furniture in the vain hope that the floorspace it will occupy not only contains what used to occupy that precious floor space, but more stuff as well. A vain hope I know. For some reason physics is always against me.

Now I have come to that point in my development where I really can no longer store my stuff in cardboard boxes – or the slightly more cool, illegal, and happenin milk crate. I have yet to reach the stratospheric income necessary for me to blindly lay down thousands of dollars per bookcase or item of furniture actually sold in a new, or even used furniture store. My tastes are also rather refined, i.e. I’m picky. If I had all the moolah in the world I’d own a house full of antiques. But that hasn’t happened. So I must rely on the bourgeoning marketplace of build-your-own. Lamentably we have no IKEA in my area. Their stuff is cheap but I’ve found the majority of their build-your-own stuff slightly better made than many others out there. Not to say that Target, WalrusMart, K-Mart and the like don’t have some pretty well “made” products. You just have to be careful with what you buy.


The following are some

good rules of thumb:

• Walk in knowing you really want a build-yourself unit. You should already have checked out the new furniture places so you have gotten over that sticker shock. You should already have spent a few months hitting every single yard, estate, and garage sale. You should have checked out the local antique places, old furniture warehouses, flea markets, Goodwill stores and good old Sally Ann. And once you have done all this – know how strong and how long you want this thing to exist in your life. If this is for a dorm, crappy apartment, garage, or some “temporary” gig then just get the cheapest white melamite thing they got. When you move you can yank it apart or just throw it away. Thems that want something more permanent must be prepared to invest in a well built and strong build-your-own. This means a couple hundred bucks. Expensive yes, but you should already have exhausted all the other possibilities. In other words “WANT to pay for what you really want.”

• Look for items that are obviously heavy and predominantly metal or a good veneered wood. The wood in all these things is basically particleboard with a veneer of artificial pine, oak, or whatever “finish” the piece is being marketed with. But some of those veneers are basically a layer of paint or shelf paper. Try and find things that have a few millimeters of actual wood veneer. If the item you want is not set up for you to actually see it and open the drawers – walk away. Don’t guess how good it is by looking at the box. Opening drawers and doors allows you to see how thick that wood really is, how the veneer and finish has stood up to a couple hundred yahoos slamming it and abusing it whilst it stood displayed, and how strong the hardware like hinges and knobs are.

• Pick a style that you not only like, but are willing to live with for a long long time. You are going to have to invest a lot of time putting this sucker together, and if you paid particular attention to #1 you should be able to enjoy owning it for a hell of a long time. I look at it this way. These are items of furniture that I will keep even if I win that billion dollars. They’ll go with the stuff that is on my “dream list” and I can always put them in the basement for Ruford.

• Do the basic stuff like examining the item a number of times to be sure you really like it. Go away and come back a few days later. Check it out on the internet, and if possible at other stores, to ensure you are getting the best price. It’s always great if it is on sale, but if it is on clearance then beware. The same with boxes that have been retaped or are all torn up. You don’t want to get anything that has already been returned because the last buyer found some piece was missing. The same with opening up the box and finding all the pieces have been smashed on one end. Finally, check out that there is a reasonable warranty, return policy at the store where you buy it, and also contact information to the company that made it if there are any problems.

• The fun part is then moving it home. Most stores will help you get it into your vehicle once you capture a store clerk and club them a few times. The really lucky people have a truck with ties and a full complement of big guys around who are willing to carry it wherever you need them to. I’m always alone and driving a tiny compact car with no fold-down rear seats. Hence I am now the master of putting seats all the way back or tilted forward, removing headrests, and slotting long heavy boxes between the front seats to rest on the dashboard. I am also very good at DRIVING said vehicle home without incident. The fun part is then moving the box out of the car again by myself, and then slowly rocking it back and forth to the stairs. I always live upstairs of course – which means lifting the great heavy box one step at a time until I get to the top.

THE ASSEMBLY

(Assembly in progress. This was my rather ample work space – the 5’X8’ carpet in my bedroom. I could have assembled the two items in my living room which has a bit more room, but then I would have to move the very heavy assembled furniture items down a narrow hallway by myself. Note laundry basket with its load ready to be stored away.)

To their credit, Target does a pretty good job with their furniture. They have good designers, and their materials are solid. I have had some problems with missing pieces, but that is true of almost anywhere. I always check the box thoroughly to make sure it is factory sealed and not smashed but sometimes you have to truck the whole damn thing back again. This time I was lucky and both the Dresser and Bookcase were complete and undamaged.

Part of the reason I succumbed was that I not only liked both pieces but they were on sale. So I saved about 50 bucks. Plus, because I bought two from the same “collection,” Target gave me a $25 gift card for free. Not too shabby. I didn’t like the boxes out on the floor so I was also lucky in A) Finding a clerk named Sharon who was willing to look in back for the items, and B) having Sharon actually find them both and getting some burly guys who thought she was cute to load the two items on the cart for us. The three, and then four, guys escorted us all to the checkout and then stood around uselessly while Sharon and I figured out how to load the bookcase box across the rear seat and then slot the bookcase between the front seats to rest on the dash. I actually went back to fill out a very nice comment card for Miss Sharon.

The drive home was uncomfortable, but incident free. It then took two hours to extricate the bookcase box out of the car on my own and then slowly walk it to the stairs, and up each step to my apartment. I had to do this so that I could drive my Mom home. Did I mention she was along for all this? She is a wonderful person, but freely agrees with our assessment that she is less than useless when it comes to moving anything. There was no way I was going to be able to move that entire dresser box up to my apartment, so I cut open the side of the box facing up and removed pieces one by one. Took me about two weeks to finally get it all inside. Not that there were really that many pieces – it’s just that I’ve been battling depression and I just couldn’t summon up the energy to do it. Plus, once I got all those pieces into my apartment I would have to immediately put the whole dresser together. I REALLY didn’t have the oomph to do that. There would be nowhere to just store the pieces as they lay against various walls and doors around the apartment. I have that little space, Which is why I needed these two things in the first place.

I tallied up all the parts and they were all there and in good condition. Perusing the instructions was a good idea because it gave me a pretty good handle on what I would need to do. I’ve put together many of these things and they are all a little different. These two items had very detailed and clear instructions with one exception. The bookcase instructions switched the locations of the dowels and camlock screws on all four crossbars holding the bookcase together. It wasn’t a major thing, but I spent a few minutes test fitting pieces and eyeing things before I decided that the holes in the wood had actually been drilled right and it was just the picture that was wrong. If the holes had actually been screwed up I was really not looking forward to packing the whole damn thing up again to return it.

A little annoyance is that the manufacturer has taped each camlock into its corresponding hole. This is very thoughtful because they can’t get lost and are aligned already for you. Many kits I’ve assembled force you to put them in yourself and I often put them in wrong and can’t get them to turn and lock correctly. Unfortunately you have to remove the scotchtape that has been stuck over each one or you won’t be able to get a screwdriver into the slots to turn them when the time comes. A little removeable tab would have been nice rather than having to peel off about 80 slivers of scotch tape with my fingernail.

Camlocks are a great assembly tool as they ensure a good long wearing and tight means of attaching one piece of wood to another. They really work well when you are putting crosspieces onto the left side, but then you have to hoist the right side into position and line it up with all these little camlock screws and dowels sticking up. This is a PAIN!!! Then, once you do get everything lined up then you have to basically crawl into the item you are assembling to get at the camlocks to tighten everything up. I’ve learned to hold a flashlight in one hand and the correct screwdriver in the other.

All told though, the whole assembly process for the dresser took about 3 hours since there were six separate drawers to assemble. The bookcase only took about one and a half. I have yet to suffer the ultimate ignominy by actually trying to put actual clothes in either one. I know that what I think I want to put in them will not actually all fit. So I let them sit all pretty and virginal awhile whilst I typed this.

Chicken Little

When watching Chicken Little on DVD I found something disturbing hidden away on the extras of the disk. Apparently, the original protagonist of the movie was female. The animators actually spent the first year or so of production animating the self-titled hero as such. But then they brought a rought copy over to Michael Eisner to watch and he basically nixed the idea of Chicken Little being a girl. He felt that audiences would relate more to a boy being bothered about his size than a girl.

Now I'm not going to get into what Mr. Eisner might be compensating for in his own childhood. I sincerely feel the movie might have been even better with a female protagonist. A little girl can be teased ab0ut her size just as much as a boy. Let's not make a gender biased distinction here. Moreover, this just shows the old school, rather patriacal attitude of Disney. Sure they have some excellent female characters, but just about every one succumbs to the love element they seem to have trouble abandoning. Many Disney critics have commented on it.

Get over yourselves people! Forget that damned love element that you keep tacking onto movies as some kind of redeaming extra to make the story better. Keep with an excellent story and do something daring for once. You could just as well have made Chicken Little female by tweaking a few things.

1. Ditch the love interest with Ugly Duckling. It's tacked on and completely unneccessary. Who says the two can't be best friends? All you would have to change is about 3 or 4 "bits" and have them dancing together as SISTAZ during the credits.

2. Retaining the character as female allows for a broader play of father/daughter dynamics. You could showcase Buck's uncomfortableness, but sincere trying to be a good father of a daughter that he has no idea how to raise. This could be especially well shown in the car trip back home where Chicken Little expresses his desire to play baseball. The father could not only be discomforted by Chicken Little's desire to play a sport he is completely unsuited for due to his size and personality -- but also the thought of his "little girl" getting hurt.

There could be a whole change in dialogue here where the father replies to Chicken Little's proclamation with:

Buck: Maybe you should try something more appropriate for you like . . . the chess club, or sew3ing. Hey! How about Home Ec?

Chicken Little: (Exasperated. Arms crossed) Dad!

Buck: (Hastily) Sorry. (Mutter under breath.) It's a new world. Gotta be progressive. Gotta be progressive.



And that friends is basically it. Two changes in the entire movie.